"I hate the place like poison with a sincere hatred." — Unattributed
PianoManGidley on 2011-01-04 03:29:01
No context whatsoever. Can this be removed, please?
opallady on 2011-03-17 00:47:51
It was a dark and stormy night, when suddenly a shot rang out .....
wordloon on 2011-07-01 01:39:19
Quotes dictionary.com says F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote this about Hollywood in a January 10, 1935, letter to his agent. It was published in As Ever, Scott Fitz (1973).
octopunchy on 2012-11-13 18:16:15
I hate this quote like robots with synthetic anger circuits.
bansaisequoia on 2013-03-25 20:44:35
I poison the place like hatred with a severe toxicity.
WRQ9 on 2013-07-30 16:36:04
I create this comment like poetry with extreme creativity.
emmatation on 2014-05-05 07:13:17
I place the hatred like a sincere hate with poison.
skoogie2 on 2014-11-25 09:05:11
I would sincerely dislike poison with a hatred of this caliber no matter what place it lived
mmfs83 on 2016-06-11 07:09:17
I got it in 81 seconds, but I have no idea what he's talking about.
LLapp on 2016-09-09 21:19:41
He hates working in Hollywood.
marnita on 2017-09-17 04:37:10
Who could blame him for that?
"The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated." — H.L. Mencken
montyb on 2015-03-08 10:37:57
And then the bank statement snaps you back to reality.
darkyr on 2017-04-28 09:03:36
I don't get a statement, I get a condolence card.
A re-post because the thread has gotten longer...
"Whatever is the natural propensity of a person is hard to overcome. If a dog were made a king, he would still gnaw at his shoelaces." — Hitopadesa
maradnu on 2010-05-29 14:13:28
But he would do it regally.
universalmom on 2012-10-06 16:13:27
That's not all he would gnaw at :)
saipanwriter on 2013-03-09 03:00:05
I didn't know dogs had shoelaces.
abra on 2013-05-01 21:27:45
Only when they're kings. They get little sneakers when they get their crowns.
cuji70 on 2013-10-03 06:08:14
Or really nice hush puppies
slow1 on 2014-03-15 07:55:52
...such a witty group. Thanks for the smiles.
bwbaer on 2016-08-25 11:15:29
Hmm, I actually doubt that.
LLapp on 2017-03-02 21:30:24
No, this really is a witty group, bwbaer.
NotTooOld on 2017-04-05 13:58:23
Did anyone have shoelaces a thousand years ago?
kb83 on 2017-05-21 14:17:57
And if the shoelaces broke, he would immediately be brought new ones.
kb83 on 2017-10-11 13:31:51
Here, King, Here, King.
"A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the open sea." — Honore de Balzac
montyb on 2013-07-08 22:05:37
I confess that I've been compared to the featureless doldrums.
wvwoman on 2013-08-01 14:43:08
that is one homely fellow.
montyb on 2013-11-02 13:12:08
You should see him at low tide.
maradnu on 2013-11-22 06:40:23
Will high tide cover him completely?
SippyGurl on 2016-12-09 07:28:44
no, you can still see de balzac
LLapp on 2017-09-21 19:10:57
Ahhhhhh....Danny Kaye singing me to sleep. So glad I stuck around.
My all-time favourite:
"The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.
calling JenDiaz re: hungry tortoise!
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
montyb on 2012-08-26 03:13:50
Nor on my beagle.
skoogie2 on 2013-08-03 21:19:42
Nor on my daughter's cocker spaniel! She howls like a fire alarm!
oddcouple on 2013-11-11 16:10:43
scamp on 2014-02-23 17:12:01
universalmom on 2014-05-10 14:23:28
You should see how hard my husband smacks a snooze button...
JenDiaz72 on 2015-01-27 09:23:04
I have tortoise that wakes us up on the weekends if we don't feed her on time.
skeeter on 2015-08-31 10:37:57
Oh, JenDiaz, I just have to ask how the tortoise does that.
Annamariah on 2016-01-09 22:37:38
This quote reminds me of Simon's Cat videos.
Jalapenoman on 2016-01-17 15:26:54
If I kept my pistol in the nightstand, I can't imagine how many times I would have been tempted to use it on my ex-wife's cat.
Jalapenoman on 2016-06-13 14:13:49
Yes there is. It is called throwing the cat out the window.
Lurker on 2017-07-23 11:37:28
Annamariah, I've seen those! My cat whacks me in the face just like Simon's cat when she's hungry for a midnight snack. Only she doesn't act innocent about it afterwards.
abra on 2017-10-29 12:37:37
Waiting for JenDiaz, to come tell us how a tortoise wakes them up. Do tortoises make noises?
"Whenever you argue with another wiser than yourself in order that others may admire your wisdom, they will discover your ignorance." — Saadi
wvwoman on 2013-04-24 01:18:07
where do they get the 'pictures' of these ancient men?
montyb on 2013-06-12 22:38:56
The ancient men trading card collection.
msswitch on 2014-08-21 05:36:14
This 'picture' is a detail from Saadi in a Rose garden, from a Mughal manuscript of his work Gulistan, c. 1645-- but I like the trading card idea.
Gandolph was on a trading card.
"No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft."
— H. G. Wells
maradnu on 2010-07-05 19:20:41
Everybody's an editor, everybody's a critic.
bansaisequoia on 2012-10-05 19:23:15
If someone roofies my beer, they've altered my draft.
Allen on 2013-05-22 14:39:24
Close the window, and eliminate the draft!
universalmom on 2016-04-05 06:33:42
Spoken like a true editor!
darkyr on 2016-07-13 06:30:18
In my draft, the part of the editor is played by the late HG Wells. In one scene, his zombified hand reaches out from his grave, red pen in hand, and starts marking up the epitaph on his own headstone.
ednak on 2016-10-08 07:12:35
Truly funny bansa
LLapp on 2017-01-18 03:51:39
darkyr, I will treasure that image!
"Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends."
— Czech Proverb
gvkm on 2009-06-17 20:36:28
mY GIRLFRIEND SAYS I'M STUPID
bansaisequoia on 2010-10-27 00:58:47
So dump her.
bansaisequoia on 2011-04-09 18:38:42
Or admit she's right.
cknapp329 on 2011-07-14 12:36:49
or build a fence around her
FaerieWings on 2015-07-11 13:59:54
JJ20paws on 2016-10-28 11:32:49
A sturdy wall (with moat?) works too
abra on 2016-12-19 10:02:51
Oh, it's all so long ago, but I do wonder what gvkm did about the girlfriend who said h was stupid.
maradnu on 2017-06-24 14:52:02
If she was right, he may still be with her.
"The busiest of living agents are certain dead men's thoughts. "
— Christian Nestell Bovee
LLapp on 2016-11-11 15:23:20
Sometimes racing thoughts keep me from sleeping, but I never imagined that dead people had the same problem.
IlLatino on 2016-12-25 03:27:35
Apparently it's harder to stay dead than to get that way.
Carlyle, dogs, and mowers
"If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else." — Thomas Carlyle
montyb on 2012-04-23 14:21:00
Anyone care to discuss this? I have work to avoid.
WRQ9 on 2013-07-22 19:47:13
Lawn mowing is a sort of a collective bonsai tradition, requiring little skill, and plenty of gasoline.
montyb on 2013-09-22 11:27:04
At one time my sister owned four dogs. Mowing her backyard required lots of skillful foot work.
Quizzical on 2015-02-18 14:02:32
What was at one time a lawn mower becomes a fertilizer spreader.
darkyr on 2017-01-27 16:34:30
I have just the one, but from the looks of it when I mow, I would swear he is inviting the neighbor dogs over.
montyb on 2017-06-15 09:11:04
I learned the Fox Trot while mowing.
How a person masters his fate is more important than what his fate is."
— Wilhelm von Humboldt
Lily H on 2015-07-08 17:44:31
LOL! What was I thinking? I had date instead of fate, although it's funnier that way.
montyb on 2016-04-11 10:46:45
I also was mastering my date.
abra on 2016-09-27 08:15:46
As long as your date isn't mastering you.
LLapp on 2017-04-05 12:24:28
For a second I had "masters his cats."
wigoddess on 2017-05-07 07:57:26
oddcouple on 2017-09-21 20:27:51
I don't know how anyone could master a cat.
I cannot believe where this one went!
"It is in the treatment of trifles that a person shows what they are. "
— Arthur Schopenhauer
montyb on 2012-03-17 01:25:57
The trifles or the person?
puzzleme on 2013-05-07 12:59:02
Don't trifle with us, monty.
Allen on 2013-07-06 12:45:35
You say trifles, I say truffles. Let's call the whole thing off!
Quizzical on 2014-03-15 10:22:04
From the construction of the verb tense and the plural "they", it would indicate the trifles. I don't think that is what Artie had in mind. An please, someone, get him an aspirin.
ulua on 2014-04-15 02:43:23
Yum, I love a nice chocolate toffee trifle :)
macmilh on 2014-12-18 02:15:59
Quizzical - an aspirin is a cure for trifles?
Quizzical on 2015-01-09 03:41:08
Maybe the trifles gave him a headache. Chocolate can do that.
kb83 on 2015-06-08 04:17:46
tgreen517 on 2016-04-17 07:19:48
For some reason i am hungry now.
maradnu on 2016-08-18 15:58:29
Who are you calling a triple?
autumngirl on 2017-04-10 15:44:40
a head like that outta hurt!!
Roxanne on 2017-04-13 03:43:34
It's not a headache, it's shame. What he really means to say is "I m-m-made you a stwawbewwy twifle, an', an' a lemon twifle, for your birfday, but I eated dem. Bofe. Sowwy."
"The war between being and nothingness is the underlying illness of the twentieth century. Boredom slays more of existence than war."
— Norman Mailer
montyb on 2012-08-10 23:46:03
Geez, talk about self-promotion for his novels.
JD_1947 on 2014-11-06 14:34:50
I am bored occasionally. Now being one of those times . . .
RustySkipper on 2015-04-26 05:03:45
When you're bored, get a plank.
darkyr on 2017-08-11 04:43:37
And if you're still bored after that, get hammered.
Queethebean on 2017-09-25 10:55:29
You nailed that pun.
MamaB on 2017-10-24 10:51:08
My husband is a punner. And now ya'll. I'm screwed!
"Success is failure turned inside out. "
BCraig on 2013-03-14 22:49:19
You spelled "Karl Weick" as "Carl".
abra on 2014-01-26 14:02:15
LLapp on 2016-03-28 15:01:03
I did not!
maradnu on 2016-11-29 15:15:41
This is almost as useless as a Robert Brault quote
Persephone59 on 2017-07-16 11:56:20
This is just stupid. It is more useless than Brault, and not funny like at least some of Handey's quotes are.
I only master my cats for minutes at a time, when I have to toss them into the powder room to go in and out of the house. (Indoor cats).
"I perhaps owe having become a painter to flowers."
— Claude Monet
matarisa on 2011-05-03 01:10:23
And a lovely job he made of it, too.
kokumo on 2011-12-15 20:30:20
Thank you, flowers, for helping to produce one of the greatest painters of all time.
JD_1947 on 2014-11-21 02:12:45
I knew a painter . . he owed it to houses . . .
abra on 2015-03-13 15:21:16
My grandfather was a painter. He did owe it to houses, but he planted lots of flowers.
kb83 on 2016-03-08 10:48:59
Show me the Monet.
badbob on 2016-09-03 23:11:50
you know you're Baroque when you're out of Monet
"Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live."
— Nicolas Chamfort
tfw on 2013-05-23 03:26:30
So instead maybe we should turn on the tv and watch other people live. This will help with the thinking less too. Then we tell ourselves that we could be an actor.
Beagle on 2014-06-06 08:20:08
And in the other corner... Socrates... with: "The unexamined life is not worth living."
momof7 on 2016-08-01 05:31:50
Stop watching ourselves live??? Give up social media??? Oh , the horror!
maradnu on 2016-12-17 14:12:32
To many people have given up thinking altogether
You Gotta See the Picture to Appreciate
"It is more honorable to be raised to a throne than to be born to one. Fortune bestows the one, merit obtains the other. "
montyb on 2013-11-19 09:40:21
Just how honorable is it to dress as an asparagus spear?
Barnabas on 2014-05-08 08:21:25
Monty, after he said that, he went right into... "I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends..."
LLapp on 2015-09-01 11:49:52
monty, that made me laugh hard . . . again.
SippyGurl on 2016-01-24 10:25:35
mmm... asparagus with butter and parmesan
MamaB on 2016-10-09 02:31:42
I have some asparagus in the fridge I've forgotten to cook!
A comment from Andy that made me chuckle
"Doubt obscures the true vision of the heart. "
maradnu on 2009-11-03 10:30:17
The beginning of doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
geeko321 on 2013-10-21 09:02:11
Yeah, pretty sure a healthy amount of doubt is how true wisdom is obtained.
montyb on 2015-04-25 03:47:19
Silly me. All this time I thought it was the rib cage, lungs, diaphragm, etc. of the chest cavity that obscured the heart's vision.
marnita on 2016-08-27 13:40:22
That, and not having any eyes.
LLapp on 2016-11-13 20:39:08
If you had eyes in your heart, the view would be really gross.
Andy451 on 2017-05-03 02:55:23
Here;s another quote so maudlin and self-satisfied that even "Unattributed" didn't want to take credit for it. Unfortunately, this mantra turned "Un" into a stalker, and he is still in jail, pending a new hearing in August. Yes, it's true he thinks that Angela Jolie, Kendall Jenner, and Scarlett Johanson are all madly in love with him. Ask any tuna you happen to see, "What's the best tuna?" "Chicken of the Sea."
"People have always scared me a bit - they're so complicated. I suppose that's why I prefer horses."
— Separate Tables
opallady on 2013-10-23 09:45:57
kb83 on 2015-04-24 03:41:34
Who is Mr. or Ms. Tables?
montyb on 2015-08-05 02:28:52
I don't know, but I believe they are now separated.
SippyGurl on 2015-09-26 16:16:44
Seppy, for short
BriddlesBob on 2015-12-01 10:08:21
Well, the bit in the horses mouth is complicated and scary too!
QuexUl on 2016-07-12 03:49:37
I was below average on this one. But then, so was the quote.
phthelen on 2017-08-10 16:59:54
You posters are making me laugh out LOUD! You are sooo funny.
"Nature understands no jesting. She is always true, always serious, always severe. She is always right, and the errors are always those of man." — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
kb83 on 2014-08-05 06:23:46
what about america's favorite cat videos then?
oddcouple on 2015-02-01 09:46:01
nature needs to lighten up.
bigdave on 2016-09-01 06:18:39
Again, Johann, please leave my wife out of this.
"Once a man has won a woman's love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman." — Robert Brault
fishbum on 2014-04-02 13:51:09
He would have to freelance for nobody would pay for this drivel.
Quizzical on 2014-05-29 14:33:51
Actually, this is pretty good. Most of his other stuff I have seen here - not so much.
universalmom on 2014-10-17 01:37:29
Hey! Where's carrot's rant?
LLapp on 2016-05-12 15:54:23
Carrot is tied to a chair in Brault's cheaply decorated sun room, where he forces her to listen as he composes his new quotes aloud every day, constantly tinkering with the wording to get each one just right for his blog. She tried to warn us, but we refused to listen.
kb83, poet laureate of cryptoland
"An honest man is the best thing on the sod; but a mother and her babe is the noblest work of God. "
rooby2s on 2015-12-11 14:45:38
True, but, once 9n a while, it would be nice to have a quote with which today's working class person could identify. Not so stilted.
kb83 on 2017-08-07 09:08:06
An honest sod is the best thing in creation. But a bloke and his babe make the next generation.
"Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants."
— Lynn Lavner
patsy86 on 2011-06-05 21:41:35
Please, don't include one-liner jokes. Take my idea, please.
cknapp329 on 2011-06-20 13:22:21
Henny Youngma fan?
rwright on 2012-12-15 15:02:18
One liners are fine!
montyb on 2013-02-17 19:26:56
They are worth more points. And you get a free rim shot when you solve them.
jnoodles on 2013-06-16 12:03:18
montyb: Thanks for menttioning the rimshot!!!
butchs non brain on 2014-03-22 14:24:06
I will treasure that mental image forever.
LLapp on 2015-02-01 16:58:56
This made me laugh.
JenDiaz72 on 2015-04-15 05:56:00
Awesome... gotta tell my Scottish husband this one.
JenDiaz72 on 2015-05-12 12:47:10
Okay... he just rolled his eyes at me. LOL
JenDiaz72 on 2015-05-19 06:31:42
Now I'm rolling my eyes
macmilh on 2015-06-19 00:05:55
My Dad looked very dashing in his kilts, and he preferred nightshirts to pyjamas. You have to be a manly man to carry that off! (and he was).
oddcouple on 2015-12-05 06:18:18
Lynn is a Jewish comedienne from Brooklyn.
darkyr on 2016-12-11 16:55:17
Two men walk into a wedding reception and as the host, "Where's the punch line?"
Instead what we have are socialist/communist indoctrination centers.
I guess now to the alt-right, schools that teach people to think for themselves and do fact checking are considered "socialist/communist indoctrination centers" because they don't try to force the kids to accept right wing orthodoxy.
Two men walk into a wedding reception and ask, "Where's the socialist/communist indoctrination center?" The groom replies, "It's right over there, next to the punch line."
Punch at the punch line, and Molotov cocktails and Moscow mules at the indoctrination center?
Britney and the Missing Apostrophe
"I still have a lot to learn - about the business, about music, and about myself. Its exciting." — Britney Spears
fishbum on 2011-03-07 21:08:59
Please, no more Britney Spears quote.
montyb on 2012-08-17 02:11:09
Second sentence should begin with "It's".
mumu on 2013-05-02 13:58:51
I agree - It is exciting, Britney!!!
LLapp on 2014-12-18 12:29:10
ERROR: Add apostrophe - should be: It's exciting.
larry149 on 2015-04-14 04:20:49
Still needs to be "It's."
gryhnd51 on 2015-05-27 18:58:58
I was so glad to see Britney drug-free and performing again recently.
Morpeth on 2015-07-11 02:14:54
FIX THE APOSTROPHE ERROR!! If it had been there, I would have solved that quicker.
larry149 on 2015-07-20 06:10:55
Still not fixed!
kb83 on 2015-07-22 07:11:11
Britney would be shocked at this error.
SippyGurl on 2015-09-24 05:51:24
i don't think she used an apostrophe when she spoke it.
abra on 2015-10-23 13:53:40
Either she's yesterday's news, or she's doing a better job of keeping her private life private. I hope it's the latter.
larry149 on 2016-03-02 03:59:46
apostrophe still not fixed!
LLapp on 2016-03-16 13:04:24
She has vowed not to perform again until the apostrophe is fixed.
ajbcurate on 2016-10-11 10:51:04
Listening to David Bowie's "Five Years" and it's like he's trying to tell the admins how long the apostrophe has been missing.
The bartender answers, "That's the punch line.
Same joke as Darkyr's that I'd heard a little differently. I like his/hers a little better.
"In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you." — Jack Handey
Lurker on 2009-10-08 00:13:47
Someone beat my time, please! I don't want my name on this one ;)
bansaisequoia on 2009-10-12 23:44:03
Ooooohh, I'm sorry-I just got 18 seconds.
Lurker on 2009-12-20 23:10:35
So what do I do, set a faster time! AAAHH!!
bansaisequoia on 2010-03-01 16:50:02
You put your name on this twice by leaving a comment.
Lurker on 2011-09-18 21:56:09
Good point. Well, if people don't read the comments, they'll just see your name now.
montyb on 2012-01-02 12:40:24
I like reading the comments. But this one doesn't deserve any.
bansaisequoia on 2012-07-08 14:42:21
I don't know. If I were an Olympic judge, I'm not sure I'd count him out. Depends.
montyb on 2012-10-07 19:32:30
That weightlifter would need Depends.
wvwoman on 2012-10-08 03:19:32
what ARE the rules on urination during weightlifting?
puzzleme on 2013-08-17 00:56:45
abra on 2013-10-28 11:50:29
Very funny, puzzlemel.
kb83 on 2014-11-25 07:50:07
If done during the "clean and jerk," there are no rules.
Lurker on 2015-02-03 12:52:24
You wouldn't be clean anymore.
LLapp on 2016-01-18 21:47:21
Jerk? Please, urination during weightlifting was bad enough!
wvwoman on 2016-01-29 07:19:39
i was already grinning, reading the comments, but full-on laughed when i got to llapp's!
skeeter on 2017-09-30 13:33:15
Well, there is American weightlifting, and then there is You're-a-Peein' weightlifting.
"A poem is never finished, only abandoned. "
— Paul Valery
montyb on 2013-07-11 02:21:24
There once was a man from Nantuc...
wvwoman on 2014-03-15 00:01:25
...who carried his brains in a buc...
LLapp on 2014-08-29 11:58:39
The more he decrypt...
Quizzical on 2015-01-11 06:01:56
The less h..
skeeter on 2017-09-01 09:02:49
And then yelled loudly, "Oh f
"It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. "
maradnu on 2009-06-26 01:35:51
But it is more fun to curse.
fredsevent on 2012-04-18 04:53:39
Why not do both?
kb83 on 2014-07-02 09:42:59
Or at least curse the candle if you get burned in the process.
montyb on 2014-07-04 15:22:08
Annamariah on 2014-09-14 18:48:26
"It's hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead" Nightwish - Last Ride of the Day
dovid1946 on 2015-01-16 15:24:15
didn't i find this quote in my fortune cookie the other day
mtvoyager on 2015-02-27 12:02:18
oddcouple on 2015-08-13 16:30:01
Are we sure this was Confucius?
loki on 2015-10-04 09:39:12
Thought this was Emily Dickinson. Time to Google.
Andy451 on 2016-04-19 12:48:43
This might be true Confusion, but were you able to find any honest people? For that you might need to borrow one of Diagonal's diagenetic lanterns.
RustySkipper on 2017-04-08 11:01:50
I can split the darkness with my light saber.
This took six years
"If we love our country, we should also love our countrymen." — Ronald Reagan
bansaisequoia on 2009-08-27 23:54:00
"Though I love my country, I do not love my countrymen."--Lord Byron.
bansaisequoia on 2010-07-29 19:24:21
"Though I love my country, I do not love my countrymen."--Lord Byron
puzzleme on 2013-08-29 20:49:23
Is there an echo in here?
skeeter on 2015-09-09 03:27:12
Is there an echo in here?
"All of the significant battles are waged within the self."
— Sheldon Kopp
LLapp on 2016-11-12 08:24:31
And indigestion is your personal Battle Hymn of the Republic.
montyb on 2017-09-12 03:46:04
For me indigestion is the 1812 Overture -- especially the part with the cannons.
"The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people."
— Donald N. Smith
bansaisequoia on 2010-08-23 16:05:32
Garnishment? Do the burgers owe back taxes?
montyb on 2013-09-03 15:22:27
Why those lousy deadmeats!
oddcouple on 2013-12-06 15:17:15
Monty, you made me laugh.
CCCookie on 2016-05-06 01:04:28
From wikipedia: Donald Nickerson Smith (born 1940) is an influential restaurant executive for McDonald's, Burger King and other fast food franchise restaurants in the latter half of the 20th century. His business practices helped shape the modern operational procedures and advertising models for the industry So, not a person of erudition, but a person who tried to sound erudite while going directly to the bottom line for fast food restaurants.
Jalapenoman on 2016-06-01 13:52:54
Cheddar or pepper jack cheese (not the awful American cheese), dill pickles, grilled onions, lettuce, jalapeno, bacon, and bbq sauce (no mustard, ketchup, or mayo).
Persephone59 on 2017-01-15 16:51:00
The IRS doesn't use the term garnishment. Would you like a tomato levy on your burger? Hehe.
skeeter on 2017-01-18 04:21:14
Lettuce not make fun of garnishments.
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